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I need to write but I have no idea about what. I want to
write on my book but nothing is coming to me. I see the last scenes I wrote in
my head but I have a big fat blank after that. I think my work situation is
just sucking every bit of creative energy out of me.
Work is tiring in a purely boring way or in a hysterical
manic way, it’s like my job is freaking Bi-polar and I’m just suck on the trip
with no options to get off or take medications. My work is minimal or slammed
packed with things I don’t understand, my interaction with co-workers is almost
non-existent and everyone seems put out if I have to ask questions or would
like to have someone check behind me. I
have no interest in studying a subject that I currently do not understand or
getting the option to learn it unless I muddle through on my own.
Now figuring stuff out is normally not an issue, I like
taking things apart and figuring things out. Dissecting and putting back
together. Put this just makes me feel
useless and unworthy of my paycheck. With the economic times I feel …..Like I should
do more, contribute more, appreciate more and I feel really, really bad that I’m
not doing those things. That so many people are out there struggling (even us) &
I’m not really enthused that I have this job. I like the pay, I’m happy every
day that I can pay the bills….not always on time but for the most part I’m
good. But this is like having my brain sucked dry every day. No fun.
I’m a note taker. It is my way of processing things. Writing
stuff down helps keep things in my mind, gives me a trigger if I can’t remember
a process fully, gives me someplace to go back to if I need more help
remembering. Something that I was told point blank from my team lead that I should
not do, that noting was ok but not really something I should rely on, that
memorization will get me buy in other divisions but not in Network. In Network I
need to understand the lines of code that I’m implementing not just using a formula
to spit out without understanding the process. That I need to live & breath
network to excel. I should figure it out for myself before ever going and
asking for help. If I could figure it out by myself I wouldn’t need to ask for
help ya morons.
Can you tell that my blood just boils over even writing that
out? I wanted to smack this pompuss ass right upside the head. Here are the reasons why:
1.
They hired me knowing full well that I had no
experience in network and that the deal was for them to give me onsite training
of our systems.
2.
Instead of training me, they let me sit for a
year with no-one showing me our systems. Only minor tutorials when they were
not busy. They did not encourage me in any way to bump in and learn along with
them. 1 co-worker would show me stuff when I asked (which I did often) but my
other 2 discouraged me from asking him stating “So & so does this all
wrong. Don’t do it his way”. But did the step up…..that is right NO.
3.
Any time I tried to get involved and take
something on, they let me get it up & running than transferred to another
co-worker, with the sole purpose of that I need the time to learn the network but
then they never showed me anything. Awesome.
4.
Hired a younger kid that is passionate about
network, which is super, guess who gets the projects…you got it, he does. Now
mind you my confidence is totally in the loo and I’m not confident enough to
handle these projects and I know and understand that. But guess who they do not
discourage from asking questions and ask for him to tag along while they are
doing their projects. Yep you guess it.
5.
Have had my hand figural smacked numerous times
for making mistakes or miss-stating something. Even though “Making mistakes are
just fine and you should really get in there and try and figure things out
& if you make mistakes that is just fine.” Yea not so much. Not even a
little based on their attitudes.
I’m bitter, bitter, bitter, bitter, because this is not who I
want to be, not how I want to feel, this is not what I want to do.
I’ve decided that even though I enjoy network techie stuff
(not this job though), I miss the human interactions I had every day in my old
job. I truly am a people person, I need the social interactions, I need the
ability to mingle and be involved. Not just sit in front of a computer, running
lines of code in my little hovel being ignored by my peers while being actively
being discouraged to not be who I really am. Don’t listen to that music (even
softly), don’t wear those clothes (it’s not professional enough), don’t talk to
those people (cuz I could be accused & dismissed for gossiping). Joy.
I want to be able to write, create, make beautiful thing.
Not constantly be trying to put out fires at work since no one (upper
management) wants to do thing pro-actively only reactively.
I want to be able to be free. Free to practice my life as I choose,
free to enjoy my children, free to enjoy my life rather than constantly being irate
by it.
